Dear Britton,

Today is the last day you'll be two. I remember the day you were born and the instant I first held you. I've never been filled with so much joy in my life. With Tate, the joy was trumped by the fear of him not breathing, but with you and your loud cries- it was the purest moment of joy I've ever experienced. I remember that for the first two weeks you would only sleep if you were in someone's arms. I remember how you had the hardest time staying awake while I nursed you. I remember, as you got bigger, how you would lay down in your crib and push your booty up in the air to fall asleep. I remember you always with those big blue eyes and sweet smile. You're a terror at times now, probably becuase I've let you have your way so much. I cannot believe three years have passed since your birth. I am so glad that God blessed us with you- I love being your mother. You never ate baby food- you just went straight to the real stuff. WHy you don't eat anything now, I don't know.

I remember how happy you were with yourself this day. You have ALWAYS loved pens. You're the kid that draws on everything- walls, couches, carpet, people- you don't discriminate

You've always wanted to do everything Tate does. You've been exposed to more choking hazards than DFCS would approve of.

Your favorite type of cheese is still sharp shredded.

Notice the crayons, once again thrilled to have a writing instrument in hand. How many times have I picked up your crayons, pens, markers and pencils?

You're my messer, my snuggle bug, my bitsy bells, my shmiddia, my belles, my sistsy, my bitzy, my sweet Britton. I love you.

Photos From the Grove Park Inn

Happy Anniversary to Us

Each year on the day my calendar tells me its January 18th, I know that Derek and I have closed another chapter on the book that is our marriage.

Chapter One: Who knew it would begin like this? When Derek proposed in December of 2002, visions of a crisp fall wedding with chocolate colored bridesmaids dresses and rich reds and oranges danced in my head. Oh...and the honeymoon- I'd never been to a tropical island before...I couldn't wait for the life I'd always dreamed of to unfold. Little did we know that less than a month later we would be married. 2 weeks after that he would be sent to Fort Stewart and 2 months after that he would be on a plane to Iraq. So much for a honeymoon.

People that know me usually know that part of the story. What they don't know is how two people fell apart in a Holiday Inn hours before deployment. How there couldn't have been enough tissues or toilet paper to dry the tears or wipe the noses that belonged to two broken hearts. I thought that I would crumble under the weight of the grief. The thought of never seeing this man again was almost more than I could bare...but bare it I did.

The truth is, that my journey as a "war bride" was the one that lead me straight to a deeper, more meaningful relationship with my heavenly Father. Friends and family kept me busy during that year, but my true strength came from the Lord.

Years later I know that Derek got deployed so that my soul could be saved. I was baptised at the age of 6 and always knew there was a God. I had prayed, and sinned, and prayed, and sinned...and so on. I spent my college years chasing self worth from what others thought of me- awards and recognition never could do the trick.

It wasn't until I felt that I had nothing, that I gained it all. While Derek was overseas I threw myself into studying God's word. As He revealed Himself to me, I went through a phase of self-discovery and finally realized that I am a daughter of The King, I was sent here for a purpose and that the only way to true joy and happiness is through Jesus Christ.

The night before Derek was deployed, I got on my knees and begged God not to take him. I begged and I cried out- why now, Lord? Now all I can do is fall on my knees before Him and thank Him. THANK YOU, LORD! You took away my husband so that I would find You.

When my grandfather died in my presence that year, it wasn't my husband's shoulder I cried on. Instead I cried out- THANK YOU, Lord. Thank you for allowing me to be here for my grandmother and to have had the experience of getting to know my grandfather and be with him in the final hours of life. It wouldn't have been that way if Derek were here.

When I found out I was expecting a baby there were no long, giddy talks about the future with my husband's hand on my belly. I couldn't surprise him by wrapping up a pair of booties and offering an impromptu gift. Instead there were heartfelt prayers and long conversations with God about being a good and godly mother.

When I woke up one morning and I thought I was having a miscarriage, my husband wasn't there to hold me or to drive me to the hospital. I had no choice but to give my child to the Lord that day and to trust His plans for my baby.

Year 1 of my marriage will always be special to me. Not because I had the fall wedding of my dreams or honeymooned in an exotic land or made burned dinners and yelled about the toilet seat being up. Chapter 1 of my life with Derek would, in the end, be the one that told the story of a young woman finding the meaning of life- a life intended and given by none other than Jesus Christ.

So, each year, when the calendar tells me its January 18, not only do I recall the day I said "I do" in a snow covered church in Clarkesville, I am reminded and humbled of the year God took my husband away so that I could find true happiness in Christ and love Him forever.

I am asking you to BELIEVE. God commands it.

Derek would have lost his job today if he had still been with Black & Decker. I am still reeling from the shock. 5 1/2 years of service with a Fortune 500 company, top in sales and the recipient of numerous awards- it wouldn't have mattered. 7 weeks ago he went to work for Covidien, a medical supply sales company. Derek has wanted to be in medical sales since the beginning of his career. Why in what seems to be the worst economy we've seen in our lifetime was he offered the chance to chase his dreams?

After the shock, come the tears of knowing that God CONTINUES to have his hand on this family. WHY US LORD? WE ARE SO UNWORTHY!

Derek told me on Memorial Day to be specific in my prayer requests to God. I've always prayed "His will"- trusting in the plan- being carried but not believing that I had the right to ask for the desires of my heart. That very day Audrey (sorority sister/friend/realtor) just happened to be outside walking in the morning and casually asked if we had thought about selling our house. 4 hours later I called her and said- let's do it. A week later it was on the market. Over the next 5 weeks I would get a job offer with a Company that I believe is changing the world one woman at a time; we would purchase 3 acres of land and we would sell our house. WHY US LORD??? Is it becuase our knuckles had gotten so white from the grip we had on our life that the only thing we had left to do was let go and let YOU?

Derek and I did not have glamorous upbringings. Broken homes, emotional turmoil. Derek comes from the most humble background of anyone I have ever known in my life. He is the only one in his family to ever go to college. To ever get away from his hometown. He started working at age 12- picking watermelons for a man who gave him a few cents per melon. He cleaned toilets at a hardware store through High School and he worked at a bank in a Wal-Mart when he graduated from college. I know that I do not deserve God's grace and blessings, but Derek...he just might.

WHY US LORD? Is it because we've given everything to you? Is it because we've made decisions based on what I hear You say to me despite the illogic of it all? If it all were gone tomorrow I would still stand in amazement and then fall at my Father's feet because I have seen Him. I have seen the work of the Lord. I have heard Him speak to me. If I never live another day, know that I was blessed. On Faith I prayed, on Faith I believed and God was Faithful enough to me to KEEP HIS PROMISES- Ask! Ask and it shall be done.

Dear friends, whatever burden you are carrying, whatever load you feel will fall unless you grab tight, I ask you to lay it down. Let it go. Pray to God and be specific because HE CARES! He does, I promise.

"When ye pray, believe." Mark 11:24 BELIEVE!

When there is a matter that requires definite prayer, pray till you BELIEVE God, until with feigned lips you can thank Him for the answer.

Tis better to walk by faith than sight, In this path of yours and mine;
And the pitch-black night, when there's no outer light
Is the time for faith to shine.

This pretty much says it all...

The time is drawing near...

We met with our builder today and finally things are looking up. We walked the property and made some decisions about location and which trees we will be able to save. Even though this preliminary process has taken a lot longer than we had anticipated, I think that the final outcome and price will be worth it. I am finally letting myself entertain the idea that we may be in our new home by May! This timeline sounds ambitious, but I know they are committed to building this as quickly as possible. I cannot wait to be able to post photos of turned up dirt on our lot!

Finally Friday

I think this has been the longest week I've had in awhile. I am hoping that I can muster up enough energy finish my chocolate truffles for Sara's treat exchange tomorrow. As I type this it is 9:41 PM and my kids are STILL up! I am letting them get away with a little extra play time tonight.

So, I was on my way home from the grocery store, passing the Aquatic Center when I see a deer standing in front of me. There is a ditch to my right and an onward coming car to my left. I ease onto the breaks because I don't want them to lock up thinking "OK, this deer is gonna get out of the way, I just know it". Nope. I hit him Hard with the right front of my car. I've lived in Haberhsam County for 5 years and I truly cannot believe this is the first deer that I've hit- it was inevitable I guess.

I felt terrible of course- more for the deer than for my car. It was pretty scary and sad to know that I left a deer suffering on the side of the road. I got home and Derek surveyed the damage- my light is falling off, my bumper is broken and the right front panel of my will have to be replaced. There was blood too...that was the worst. I cannot get over feeling terrible for that sweet little animal that was frozen in fear as my car approached. He could have possibly survived the impact, but is, no doubt in pain.

Tomorrow is a busy day. Derek and I are going to church to get screened as bone marrow donors. There is a lady in our church that is in desperate need of a marrow donor, so all of the members of our church ages 18-60 have been asked to get tested. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be a match for her- or if not me though, then I pray that someone is.

After the screening, Derek is dropping me off at Sarah's and then taking the boys to Johnny Gunn's for haircuts. When they come back to get me, we are meeting our builder at our lot to stake out where our house is going to go. I know I haven't mentioned the house latley- it has been a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong process that is a bit frustrating to talk about- just know that things are progressing (finally). Later on we are meeting my Dad, Step mom, brother and sister in Cumming at the Kani House for dinner. I imagine we will crash Saturday night. :-)

Well, if I have a stalker, now he or she knows where to find me tomorrow!! :-)

Christmas Came Early Today

Since day one of my career at Initials, Inc., we have been designing the new Spring/Summer 2009 line. We've held conference calls, requested run-offs, approved samples, made changes, inspected fabric tuns, matched Pantones, etc. Well, today the bags finally arrived!! It was almost like the birth of a child (OK, we all know that childbirth is WAY more exciting, but work with me here). We have spent all of this time planning for this new line, designing each piece with care and consideration and making sure that it will all "fit" into the new catalog. It's pretty cool to see something come to fruition that you helped create. I wish I could show you the new designs & fabrics...March 1 seems like a long time away!

Britney and I went shopping today for all of our photo shoot props which is on Monday & Tuesday- bless the ladies who will be modeling for us in their best spring outfits in the middle of December. We've spent countless hours deciding which items will be on what pages, what props we will use, what copy will appear on the pages, etc. I feel like all of our hard work is beginning to pay off as we see this new line come to fruition. This truly is my "dream job" and I am thankful as ever to have it.

I have a friend...

I have a friend who cries every time she talks about her children. She lives her life putting her kids in front of herself. She makes sure her daughter has Pumpkin Parties at school and packs the healthiest lunch I've ever seen for her children. I have a friend who never lets you cry alone. Empathetic.

I have a friend who's made dinner for my family when I've been sick. Who's taken my children when I've been weary and who unselfishly cheers on my every success. I have a friend who is brave and confident and I recently saw her become a mother for the very first time. I've spent my whole life wondering what a "friend" is...she is the definition of this kind of unselfish devotion. Devoted.

I have a friend who credits me with starting a ministry for young mothers but without her, none of it would have been possible. The day I met her she was caring for someone else's child on a daily basis for free. She has three children of her own. This friend is the sister I always wanted. She can take truth and honesty even when it hurts- and I take it just as well from her. This friend is in unimaginable pain right now and my heart feels like someone has a death grip on it- oh how I grieve for her. My friend will use this for God's glory- His alone. Magnificent.

I have a friend who lights up a room when she enters it. She spends her life much like I do, trying to balance life and work and motherhood. I tell you that there is no one I would rather leave my child with on his first day of preschool than her. She is genuine and loving and precious to me and all who know her. Genuine.

I have a friend who shys away from the spotlight. She is calm and funny and knows more about college football than I could ever hope to. She's the reliable one- the one that will always be there, no matter what. She knows you for a minute a day or a year or more and her devotion is the same. She has a quietness about her and a heart that I long to know better. Selfless.

I have a friend who would give you not just the shirt off of her back, but the earrings and the shoes to match. She's thoughtful and listens and catches the details of you that no one else will. She's is as reliable as sunset. Her heart is still mending from almost a year's worth of hurt- she heals by helping others. She is as neat and clean as I am messy, yet she'll still ride in my car and call me a friend. Loyal.

I have a new friend that has a contagious laugh. She is warm and kind and seems to be all about the fun in life even though she's had her share of pain. She's light and hilarious and shares her heart freely. Honest.

...oh how much fun was that? I've got lots more friends to share with you but the minutes in my day that I get to devote to blogging are almost up. I'll write more later...

Beach Photos

We went to the beach this year with our friends James, Andrea & baby Andrew. I think we were all a bit apprehensive about what it would be like to be together 24/7 for a week straight- I mean, sure we love each other, but you never know what can happen when you spend hours on end with the same family. Well, our fears were completely unwarranted, because we ended up having the best vacation that I can ever remember. We all had so much fun together and despite 3 people under the age of 5, it was very relaxing too. Now, only true friends won't give you a hard time if you want to go to bed before 10- and Andrea and I were happy to doze off by then a night or two. It was just so nice to be able to be ourselves- no agenda or "plans"- just be and enjoy our children and each other's company. It was so relaxing, in fact, I didn't take a million pictures like I normally would, but below are the moments I managed to capture on film...

The house we stayed at had a chess table- this kept the boys busy for hours. What can I say, Derek and I breed geniuses!

Brit plans his next move.

Tate trying to explain to Britton why it really is fare that he is master of all the chess pieces.

Baby Andrew is excited about one of his favorite things....FOOD! He flaps his "wings" when he gets excited...it is so cute!

Stair steps

Not sure we want to know what's going on right here...

Tate being chased by Britton

You lookin' at me?

Andrew & James brave the icy water....brrrrrrrrrrr

Tate models his mama's glasses

Tate's pretending that he is solving a mystery with Scooby Doo by his side.

Beach Bound!

Tomorrow we leave at 6AM for St. George Island in the panhandle of Florida. We've been looking forward to this trip for awhile- we've never been to the beach this late in the year so we are crossing our fingers, hoping the weather will be mild enough to enjoy the pool and ocean. Due to unforeseen circumstances, our trip will be cut in half- we'll be coming back home on Wednesday. The reason for us coming back is good, but unmentionable at this time.

Wordless Wednesday

Read My Lipstick....

Click Here to See More:

http://web.me.com/shrln/PalinPurses/All_About_Palin.html

This is dedicated to the one I love...

Have I mentioned my husband lately? Why do I always neglect to give my life partner credit where credit is due? This week has been extremely busy at work and he has provided for my every childcare need! I love him. I love him. He is the best Daddy in the world to my boys- his true calling in life, I believe is to be a father. He is wonderful and tender and strong and the most driven person I know. Thank you, D for picking up my slack this week. I love you!!

Friday Nights In Habersham

I grew up a Blue Devil, turned into a War Eagle for a few years and have ended up a Radier. This is how we spend our Friday Nights...

Update

So, almost two months into the working mother world and still experiencing absolute JOY at work, cherishing PRECIOUS moments at home, but always fighting the guilt monster that lives under my bed. Something tells me that will never change.

At work we are in full swing with the Spring/Summer 2009 line. I am so excited about the new designs, fabrics and collections we are working on. Our business has grown by 500% compared to last year. In this economy, that is amazing! I am working on 2 different marking campaigns, connecting with new Creative Partners and constantly seeking new opportunities for growth. Every day is full and every day is fun!

At home, we've been relishing every daylight hour of cool weather. I love the fall!! We made our first attempt at camping on our lot this weekend. Unsuccessfully. Britton whined from the moment we opened the marshmallow bag til the moment we stumbled flashlight-less to the car at 9PM! Poor Tate was crushed, but spending an entire night in the company of a crabby 2-year old ain't my idea of fun! We promised Tate another adventure (sans Britton) in our 2 1/2 acre wood soon.

Derek is still having health issues. Please pray for him. He has seen every doctor and specialist under the Atlanta Sky and we are still no closer to an answer than we were a year ago. Whatever it is, my specific prayer is for him to be either healed or that we find out exactly what is wrong with him by November 1st. His job is going well, but has not been shielded from the economic mess the United States is in. I am THANKFUL that he even has a job at this point.

A drawing of our new home is in the hands of our builder and he is working out pricing. Now we wait.

I have two unspoken wonderful things that are going on in our life. Both to be revealed in due time...

Yearbook Yourself

I just spent an embarrassing amount of time here.

Now, look what a lovely couple Derek and I would have made in 1952:

And then in 1970:

Bonding With Baby

Blogging Disclaimer

Faithful readers- please forgive me for how the appearance of my blog. I don't have time to fuss and fiddle over pictures and captions and making sure everything lines up...or is even legible! I am so frustrated with the blogger format for posting. I know the blogs a mess, but it will have to do for now.

"The Bestest Day I've Ever Had..."

... is what Tate told me last week on our way home from the fair. This was our third trip to the annual Peachtree Fair that comes to Habersham County every September. Britton has never been old enough to go with us before, but we included him on this family-tradition of an adventure this year. We met the Garretts and part of the York family...it was fun to see their babies look at the lights and at us crazies who rode the rides.

As usual, we stopped off at the animals first and let the boys feed them. Tate was comfortable letting the goats eat out of his hand. Brit kept his distance and threw his cup of food into the goat cage. We came up to this odd looking creature and Brit started backing up in fear shouting "Lion! Lion!"

Derek, Tate, Brit and I got warmed up on the Ferris Wheel and then we let the boys ride a few rides. Some of the rides were a little intense for two little boys...they loved them though.






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